Q & A Table of Contents
Healing the Relationship with a Difficult Co-worker
From: Employee of a Local Charity, Wisconsin
Question: I have been trying to work with a difficult, younger co-worker, who is probably intimidated by my age and experience. He is difficult to deal with for management as well as other co-workers. He plays games and exhibits immature behavior, but mostly has a problem with me. He has been counseled numerous times by management, but will not accept any responsibility for the problem; therefore a head-on approach doesn't seem to be the answer. He and I basically avoid interaction, but I would like to have a better relationship with him to decrease on-the-job stress. Any ideas??
Response: One of the most effective ways to get out of the rut that may reduce a relationship's quality is to do something surprising or unexpected. You might want to examine the general game plan of your relationship with your troublesome co-worker: look at the processes you employ in your dealings with each other and compare them with your dealings and his dealings with others -- both within your organization and (at least in your case) away from work.
It is crucial not to be judgmental as you look over the relationship processes. Questioning who's at fault won't get you anywhere. It could be useful, however, to look for hot buttons: what drives me crazy? what drives him crazy? And, having discovered hot buttons, it may make sense not to try to 'cure' his. Just being aware of them should be enough to influence your behavior to avoid pushing those hot buttons. Understanding your own hot buttons is somewhat more difficult; it is not always easy to analyze ourselves. But you might ask, does this behavior of his also bother me when someone else does the same thing?
What do you expect/anticipate from him? What does he expect/anticipate from you? If you behave in a different way and take him by surprise, that may bring a momentary pause in the usual processes of the relationship.
There is nothing wrong in a conversation that is aimed at learning more about his interests. In my own experience, working in a philanthopic organization can be extremely frustrating. The less there is to fight over, the bitterer the fights. Do you have/control resources that could help defuse some of his frustration? Is there anything substantive he has to offer you? Forget about "Let's be friends. . ." The issue is to start with what diplomats call 'confidence-building measures': If you do this, Then I will do that. Or, If I do this, will you Then do that? Sort of an 'If ...Then...' approach to bargaining.
Can you offer him opportunities that others cannot: the chance to choose projects to work on? The chance to join or even chair a working group? Access to information, perks, a preferred spot on the vacation schedule? Quick delivery of office supplies? Flexible work hours? An introduction to someone to whom he would like to have access? Early warning about opportunities/dangers/ projects/cutbacks? Inside information about a good restaurant?
What interests do you have in common? Do you both work in a department dealing with issues to which you are deeply committed? Does either of you have ideas to bounce off each other to improve the system?
In your question you indicate he will not accept responsibility for problems he is having on the job. If there is a way to move the problems away from being personified by him, would the problems still exist? If that is the case, you may find common ground in trying to solve those problems. If the problems really do relate to how he gets along with fellow workers, perhaps you should accept the fact you carry little or no responsibility. Then it is not your job to try to 'reform him'.
If his problem getting along with you is too much for you, then you should examine whether you have anything to gain from having a relationship. Who is going to be at your organization longer (not current longevity, but future)?
If it looks like you're stuck with the way things are, you should plan to face the disappointment of an unrewarding relationship. Perhaps you remember Ronald reagan's put-down of Jimmy Carter during one of their presidential debates: "There you go again." I would never say that to anyone, but you can think it to yourself and it may be calm you down. Remember this as well - sometimes 'winning' a negotiation is minimizing your losses.
Good luck and good negotiating, Steve.
| 
