Q & A Table of Contents
Dealing With A Tough Member Of The Opposite Sex
From: London, England
Question:In the course of my consulting work, I cover for my boss during his absence and have to deal with his peer in the customer organization. She is a real stony two-faced 'so-and-so'. When my boss is not absent, she will not engage in any type of conversation - a Good Morning or Hi how are you today? are always met with a minimal response and a retreat.
Perhaps she feels if she deals with subordinate people such as me, her position could be undermined within her own team and my status raised in their eyes.
When my boss is away I meet her weekly to discuss our performance as consultants. This is a one-to-one meeting always at her office, across a table - I have tried to maneuver table position so that we are sitting on the same side, but she will always pick a confrontational position.
During the meeting if all is not well she is quite good at pressure tactics and tells me what my responsibilities are as her representative of our consulting firm - i.e. everything that fails is my mistake.
On the other hand if our firm has not had sufficient notice of the requirements to be able to deliver - this is not her problem. In these situations she gets her team into the meeting as she says - "to sort things out".
Usually this ends up with about five people and her arguing about different versions of what did or did not happen. As the only representative of my firm I get bullied.
In a confrontation and in her presence, the people in her team change: - they tend to lie and become very economical with the truth and they will never challenge her judgment.
She is very clever at using her attributes as a women to gain control - standing or leaning in my personal space - adjusting my tie or removing a spot from my jacket. At times if she is not getting the results she requires - her lip will drop and she will almost break into tears.
Steve - What can I do to even things out ???? - My boss has the exact same experiences.
Response:
1. You indicate your boss has the exact same problems. Maybe the two of you can consider some sort of strategy - both short- and long-term. For example, maybe you might consider doing the good-cop/bad-cop routine.
2. One question is who needs what from whom? Obviously in a service business one must always keep the customer enthusiastic -- however, is she throwing her weight around because she has real power or is her company under contract for 3 more years and is she just playing out some personal 'power trip'?
3. You mention that she uses her status as a female to do things a man is less likely to do with/to another man: adjusting your tie, removing a spot from your jacket, etc. It is just like the situation if someone seats you with the sun glaring in your eyes: if you let them do it and don't let them know it makes you uncomfortable, then, in effect you are 'asking for it' -- not only the particular tie-straightening behavior, but also whatever other more serious invasions she undertakes on your dignity.
You have every right to say, 'When you adjust my tie, I feel uncomfortable. Only my wife/mother/mother-in-law normally does that.' Or - and this is the heavy weaponry - 'How would you feel if I adjusted your clothing without being asked to do so? Could that be viewed as sexual harassment?' Another possibility is, 'You know I realize this is ridiculous, but a member of the staff might see you adjusting my tie and could draw an incorrect conclusion about the two of us. I thought you should know that it could give a false impression.'
4. Looking at the substantive issues she raises, that your failures to deliver the goods make your firm look bad; this is a chance to put active listening to work. 'What do you mean by that? What have you observed that could be changed to yield a better result? Why is this important? - etc.' Learning about her interests may help you figure out a way to characterize resolutions that are more appealing to her, at least on a substantive basis.
5. Do the people with whom she works rejoice that you (and your firm) are the whipping boy? Do they suffer the same kind of treatment? They may not be able to deal with you directly on business issues, but I wonder whether there is any way to learn from them in more general conversation.
Good luck and good negotiating, Steve.
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