Q & A Table of Contents
My Husband And I Communicate Badly
From: Hosni, Cairo, Egypt
Question: My husband and I are deeply in love together but the problem is that he does not have the art of speaking nice words to me. He just extra criticizes me because he likes everything done by me to be perfect. If I do anything wrong its like the most horrible crime in the world. Please advise for how to deal with him bearing in mind that I love him so much...
Response: You are not alone in your problem. Communication between people who have a deep emotional relationship is especially difficult because everything that is said or done means more than it would in a casual situation.
There are real differences between men and women; these can be more extreme in different cultures. It is important not to embarrass your husband -- but he has the same obligation not to hurt your feelings.
Before you discuss this situation with him, think about what is most important to yourself -- and then think about the things that mean the most to him. Then ask him if your assumptions about his concerns are accurate. For example, does he want a 'perfect' wife so his friends will have more admiration for him? If he says yes, ask him how he would describe a perfect wife. Ask him what he would do if he were you.
Ask him how he feels when he learns that you are unhappy. You need to let him know that you take everything he says to you very seriously -- and that his criticisms make you feel bad.
Offer to bargain with him; "If you will tell me you love me four times a day, then I will accept four criticisms a day without feeling hurt." "If you tell your friends (in front of me) that I am a wonderful person, then it will make any private criticism hurt me less." I am sure you can imagine a whole series of bargains you can make with him. Use the "If. . . then. . ." formula; always try to trade one thing for another.
Remember that a husband who praises his wife in public is letting the world know that he was wise to marry her. A husband who praises his wife in private is helping her justify her love for him. The same is true about a wife praising her husband, of course.
These ideas are only the tip of the iceberg, an expression that may not mean much in Egypt, but hopefully they will help with your situation.
Good luck,
Steve
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