How Can I Decide Whether To Bring
My Gay Partner To Social Events?

From: Anke, Netherlands

Question: In my work I work with a lot of people (students and staff) coming from different countries, with different cultural backgrounds. Many of them are religious (Christian, Muslim, Hindu etc).

I am a lesbian and though I don't 'spread the word' loudly, I don't want to live in hiding either. When there is a party or diner where partners are invited I want to be able to bring my girlfriend. But the thoughts and ideas about the acceptability are diverse in our company. There are more homosexuals working in our company and they never take their partners to events like this.

People who don't think I should take my girlfriend say it is because Muslims (and we have many Muslims in our company) particularly do not want to deal with homosexuals. Especially since I work in communications this could be harmful for my work. It is not that I want to shock people but I respect their religion, beliefs and feelings. Shouldn't I be able to ask the same from them?

Response: Because of the book I am writing, I have not responded to any requests for advice for several months -- but the question you raise is one I take very seriously, so I am making an exception.

You indicate that your reluctance to bring your partner with you to social events is based at least in part on your respect for the religious beliefs of others. There is no question that many conservative members of different religious groups are intolerant of gay people. Similarly, one often finds that conservative types are intolerant of members of other religions -- and even members of different denominations of their own religion. One of the questions you need to ask is whether the people with whom you are likely to socialize are open-minded about people who differ from them. One can call himself or herself a Christian, a Muslim, a Hindu, etc. but not accept or practice the most conservative elements of their religion. How many people do you know from a Muslim or Hindu background who do not adhere to the taboo against being touched by another person's left hand?

If your company includes many gay people, it might make sense to enlist other gays/lesbians -- and sympathetic 'straights' -- to do an informal survey to find out what levels of acceptance, tolerance, and animosity exist among your co-workers.

You should also consider doing some research and self-examination on your own: Who is likely to be a stakeholder in your decision about bringing you partner to a social event? Your colleagues, customers, suppliers, boss, subordinates, etc. Do you think the shareholders of your company really have anything to gain or lose by your decision?

Ask yourself, "What is the worst that could happen?" Figure out whether this is a consequence you are able to accept. You may want to find out the experience of other gay/lesbian folks in similar circumstances, especially within the social circle likely to be relevant to your personal decision-making.

You need to question whether you can ask your host or hostess how they feel. If they are interested in socializing with you and your partner, your hosts are likely to set the tone for the gathering. In our household, we would not tolerate someone who behaves badly towards a gay couple. We also do not allow smoking in our house. In other words, the hosts set the standards of what is acceptable behavior 'on their turf'.

How will coming out of the closet affect your professional status? Could it threaten your career prospects? How have your parents and other relatives and friends dealt with your sexual orientation? Use these experiences as a learning tool for what has worked favorably or unfavorably in the past -- and how it has affected your subsequent behavior and should influence you in the future.

The prejudice against people who are 'different' in some way is a reflection of a person's self-image and self-confidence. People who are comfortable with themselves -- based on their self-esteem rather than the strictures of a hard and fast belief system -- are less likely to be intolerant of others.

You also have to ask what you have to gain from socializing with intolerant people. That may help you choose what social opportunities are worth pursuing.

It may seem easy for me to pontificate on this issue. As someone who is not gay, I have not had to face the burdens that sexual orientation can bring. On the other hand, as a member of a religious minority I have experienced hate directed at me. Moreover, recently in a conversation about the attack on the World Trade Center in New York, the person with whom I was talking indicated the USA deserves to be hated by the Muslim world as long as there are US military people stationed on "the sacred soil of Saudi Arabia."

To summarize, you need to undertake several negotiations on the way you resolve your dilemma:

1. You and your partner need to reach agreement on how you present yourselves in social situations, and what makes each of you comfortable.
2. Your gay and sympathetic colleagues at work need to understand the consequences for yourselves and other stakeholders in whatever decisions individuals and groups make.
3. You must look at your interests: career, self-image, and relationships to decide what standards to use to determine what makes sense.
4. How will you and the hosts or organizers of social events set the rules of what is acceptable and what is not? Anke, I wish you luck with a most challenging situation. I hope this has given you some help in your thought process.

Dear Steve:

Thank you so much for your quick and thourough response to my question. It is amazing how you can oversee so many things in such a short time and I can find myself in the answer. I do know that it is something that I have to work out and decide for myself but your options helped me structure my thoughts. The option of asking my host (employer in this respect) is an option that I didn't consider untill now strangely enough. Maybe it is something I will do next time. I am already out of the closet, also to some people at work. In private life I have the policy to be open and honest. But work is somehow different. Anyway, you mentioned some things that I didn't consider yet and I will benefit from that.

I am curious about your book, and knowing about your style and knowledge I can say that I look forward to it.

I wish you all the success you need with the writing and I want to thank you for the time you took to answer my question in such a busy period.

Anke

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