Q & A Table of Contents
Is A Male/Female Relationship (By Mail Only) Inappropriate?
From: Lili, Tehran, Iran
Question: I'm a married woman but I have relation ship with another man who is also married by writing letters only.
My husband is not a bad one but some times he hits me badly and he becomes so angry. He knows everything about my past life. I had some boyfriends and have some close relationship with some of them. (I'm a Muslim woman.) He accepted all of these but some times with an insignificant matter he reminds me about my past. So please let me know what can I do?
Response: It is impossible for me to respond favorably to a man who hits his wife. I must admit, however, that carrying on a relationship with a married man by mail is also something that raises questions. Having friends of the opposite sex can have many kinds of significance, depending on the nature of each such relationship.
From the standpoint of negotiation analysis, the question needs to be asked what interests are served for you — and your male friend — by continuing the relationship. By interests I mean you should ask yourself what objectives are you pursuing, why you are pursuing those objectives, and whether the approach you have chosen is the best way to get your objectives served. If your relationship with your husband is unsatisfactory, you need to consider whether improving that relationship is more likely to improve your life or whether you are better off making major changes or even ending it if that is possible.
Your first step should be to think of all the people who are stakeholders (interested parties) in the situation: yourself, your husband, children, extended family, friends, etc. Consider the interests of each of those people as regards your marital relationship. For example, while you may not be pleased with how your husband treats you, he may feel hurt by the fact of your friendship with another man. As you look at these issues and establish priorities among the interests to be considered, you may find that trading on thing for another could improve the situation.
For example, if you want your husband to stop hitting you and if he wants you to end your correspondence with your male friend, perhaps it would be possible to have a trade: ‘If you promise to stop hitting me, then I will end the correspondence.’
You may also consider what alternatives are available to you: Can you talk with women friends about the best way to solve the problem? Many women in the USA have developed support groups with women friends to help each other deal with difficulties in their lives (marital issues, child-rearing, professional development, etc.). Would this be helpful in your situation?
Cultural and legal differences between the systems in Iran and the USA may have an impact on the comparative freedom of action open to you. If you think about the interests of stakeholders and the potential consequences of alternative courses of action you are more likely to take an approach to resolving your situation in the most effective way.
I wish you good luck as you plan what steps to take — and as you fulfill those plans.
Steve
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