Q & A Table of Contents
He’s Generous To A Fault
From: Archna, Kuwait City, Kuwait
Question: My husband is very stubborn and very generous . We are Indians who live in Kuwait. Recently I faced the following problem:
We have a new neighbour. One fine day mother (a housewife) from that neighbourhood family comes and asks us to give her $2,500USD as loan and not to tell anyone in her family. In her family her husband, her son, her son’s wife & her daughter are all earning money. She told she built a family house in India & she ended up spending more money than the budget given to her by her husband and she can not tell her husband. Since we are good neighbours she expects monetary help from us -- with strict instructions not to tell anyone in her family. I was totally against the idea but my husband honored them with $1000USD to be returned as and when they please.
The woman’s daughter paid us in 3 monthly installments totaling to $500USD, and then one fine day she comes and tells that she has lost the job and she cannot pay the balance of $500USD since she has to travel to India to attend yet another brother’s wedding in India and she needs money to buy the ticket. I was obviously against of paying more money for no reason.
Then the same mother from India called and asked for the same and my generous and stubborn husband came forward and gave her ticket money $350USD on the pretext that human beings should help other human beings and he can not say no to such a senior lady.
When the money was being given I intervened and asked “When do you think you can pay back my husband?” He countered by saying “No problem.” and later he asked me “Why you did you ask her? She is a poor little girl. (She is 27 years old spinster had a job) We will talk to her mother.” The mother is not earning any money.
Now I am 7 weeks pregnant and I want to keep myself happy and cheerful. But due to this combination of neighbors and my husband, I am not able to.
Among us talking is totally ruled out . In past also whenever I try to talk any such situation he tells "Think about something good. Don't bother yourself with such small matters.” When the matter is hot we do not talk to ease the situation. Later on if I try to talk he directly tells “I do not want to talk.” or “I do not remember what happened.” or “I did not say this.”
I agreed to this pregnancy because of him as he is more fond of kids. I told him last time you decided to pay $1,000USD -- this time let me decide not to lend the money. But stubbornly he did not agree.
Now I am worried in future also they will keep on asking and he will keep on giving. (We both are working). What should be done?
His problem is he is generous and stubborn and does not learn from his past. In past he gave as follows:
- to Mr. A $4000USD, as he was a businessman who said I will pay you back in 3 days as this big check was on the way. Now it is 4 years nothing has come back.
- To Mr. B gave $800USD as he had to travel to Canada. We finally got the money back after rigourous follow-up.
- To his sister in India $8000USD, as she promised to repay in few months. Now it is 4 years with no talk of repayment and he will never ask.
He says seeing above incidences we should not stop helping others as all people do not have the same means. He wants to help out all the world and doesn't want to learn from past. He keeps himself engrossed in work at home so that he can pretend that he is not aware what is happening in my mind. Kindly give your valuable advice.
Response: You need to put all the issues you’ve raised into context. The first step is to prioritize the things that are important to you (for example good health, a comfortable pregnancy, continued prosperity, good relationship with your husband, etc.) You should also take a cold-blooded analytical look at what drives your husband’s decisions. His generosity sounds a bit extreme and perhaps not always wise — but if you do have a good deal of money, maybe the funds he ‘lends’ do not threaten your own lifestyle.
Try to figure out what drives your husband’s decisions about money: is he altruistic? does he want to develop the reputation of a generous and good friend/relative? does he want people to think he is rich so that he will derive other benefits? is he trying to assuage some guilt he feels from his past when he was not able to be generous?
Most importantly you need to choose the issues about which you are going to be upset — as well as the issues about which you are prepared to argue with your husband. Can you trade your acquiescence regarding his ‘loans’ for his agreement to do things you want — for example while he builds his reputation as a generous man, could he also build his reputation as a wise man for having chosen a wonderful wife by the way he talks to you in front of others and in private conversations?
There are other possible trade-offs. For example you could get him to agree to set aside an equal amount of money as the amount he plans to lend for your children’s education, your retirement savings, or a holiday to some attractive destination. Thus, if he lends a neighbor $1000USD, he also has to put the same amount of money in a special savings account for something the two of you have agreed you want.
Find things about which you and he can agree, think of incentives you can offer him for respecting your concerns. Your relationship’s health — as well as your own comfort with the situation — may depend on your creativity in figuring out where you have influence and how to use it. In addition, there may be things you cannot change; you need to figure out what you can accept and where there is a line that should not be crossed. Before you draw lines, consider what alternatives you have. Empty threats cost credibility.
Good luck,
Steve
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