Q & A Table of Contents
Am I A Dictator Or Daddy?
From: Lefter, Tirana, Albania
Question: I am from Tirana, Albania. I am 47 years old and need some advice how to be better understood with my daughter. She is 20 and it's very difficult for both of us to get along with each
other. Sometimes, it seems to me she is not respecting me as I would like and maybe sometimes she thinks I'm a dictator in our family. Your advice would be appreciated.
Response: The deeper the relationship is, there is a greater
likelihood that communication will be more emotionally-charged. So
the first thing you and your daughter should do is congratulate
yourselves for the depth of your relationship -- and recognize that
you need to put all of your communication in that context.
It is crucial in communicating/negotiating with your daughter -- or
anyone else to whom you want to show respect -- to make sure you
spend more time listening and less time talking. There is an old
expression: "God gave us two ears and one mouth. We should use
them in that ratio." When you ask your daughter questions, the
questions should not demand a 'yes' or 'no' answer. Ask questions
that will give your daughter the opportunity to reveal what is
important to her; dictating the form of answer you want limits the
likelihood she'll feel comfortable responding.
In your question's second sentence you express concern about how
your daughter understands you. It is far more important to figure
out how to understand her. Fathers and daughters can have
extraordinarily difficult times understanding each other; if you
focus on understanding her, she will reach the conclusion that you
are interested in her and her opinions rather than interested in
how she feels about you. There is a true story a friend of mine
told me about his dinner with a famous American statesman who is
well-known for being egocentric: at first the statesman discussed
himself and his career and politics in the USA. Then he said to my
friend, "But we are in France and should talk about France. Tell
me, what would you say the average Frenchman thinks about me?" If
you want to be a good 'statesman' with your daughter, you should
not make that mistake.
More than likely, you and your daughter have very different ideas
about the world -- different tastes in music and other
entertainment, fashion, and even her choice of friends. If you
recognize that the differences do not prove the one of you is
better than the other, that being different is not the same as
being inferior or superior, that gives you more flexibility in your
responses.
Parents cannot 'win' negotiations with their children. If one
party wins and another party loses, the 'loser' is likely to become
grumpy and disinterested in reaching or fulfilling an agreement.
The test of a successful negotiation is that it should be a process
that yields an agreement each party will willingly fulfill.
You and your daughter do share at least one critical long-term
interest: you have an interest in being on good terms with each
other. Look at each negotiation with her as an episode in an
ongoing relationship. Ask yourself "How does the way I communicate
strengthen the bonds of love between us? How does it demonstrate
that I want a mutually-satisfying long-term relationship?"
This isn't easy. If you think about your behavior towards your
daughter ahead of time and recognize that her respect for you will
not be based on her respect for your power or your capacity to push
her around, perhaps things will improve.
I have been in the situation you describe and I wish you great
success.
Steve
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