Q & A Table of Contents
B.O. Diplomacy
From: Kris, Mount Laurel, New Jersey
Question: This issue goes to the heart of your relationship. If you can't
take the risk of offending someone to whom you are very close on as
clear-cut an issue as this, think of how difficult it will be to raise a
more complex issue with them in the future. In addition, you must think
about your own interests: Do you find him so appealing that the odor is
truly a secondary issue -- or is it a growing problem for you? Are you
concerned that letting him 'get away' will leave you without other romantic
prospects? What do you think his odor will do in terms of your own friends
and family, your colleagues at work, or your personal dry-cleaning bill?
Response: Before taking any other action you should do some research: is there anyone
you know who knows your boyfriend with whom you can discuss the issue? Have
any previous friends or girlfriends dumped him because of the odor? What
was his reaction?
You also need to think about your boyfriend's interests. You are not doing
him any favors keeping bad news from him. If his odor is offensive to you
-- and you care about him -- think of the impact it may have on his more
general social life, his work, or other situations where he interacts with
people.
This is a case where diplomatically-communicated honesty is really
important. You don't want to simply say, "You smell!" Don't directly
accuse your boyfriend of being the generator of the odor. Ask him general
questions that may reveal if the odor is caused by some sort of health
problem -- or whether what he really needs to do is shower more often, wash
his clothes, or otherwise clean his space. Think about what you've observed
in terms of his eating habits and whether that contributes to how he smells.
Once you've done whatever you can to lay the groundwork, and keeping in mind
your personal interests in the outcome of the conversation, then you should
tell him that there is an elephant in the room when the two of you are
together and that for (however long it has been) you both have been acting
as if the elephant is not there. When he shows curiosity -- 'what is this
elephant you're talking about?' -- then it is time to say that you have
noticed an odor that seems to pervade his living spaces and his body and how
much it concerns you. Ask him if he has any idea how to deal with it and if
he would appreciate any help from you.
If his response is fundamentally positive (even if initially hurt or
embarrassed) then you know the door has been opened for further discussion
and action. If he responds negatively, that gives you crucial information
about the likely future of your relationship and his degree of openness to
issues that you take seriously. Either way you know where to go next --
either to escort him to a shower -- or out the door before things between
you really begin to smell bad.
Good luck,
Steve
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