Q & A Table of Contents
I Pay For Household Expenses, My Husband Doesn't Contribute
From: Diana, India
Question: I am a working woman... and I often find that my Financial Independence is a threat to the male dominance (in the Asian Scenario ). Also, it is usually taken for granted that since I am financially independent, the household expenditure will naturally be borne by me (the working woman) until the last amount of my income is dispensed with!!!! Even though I have tried to plan, organise, and work out a schedule for income and expenditure and communicate this at home... it does not help.. (The discussion always ends with "let us be considerate, we will do my way").. could you please tell me how to handle this situation, since I feel that in a family everything needs to be shared, whether it is work, income, expenses, happiness or sadness.
Response: Dear Diana,
Your situation is hardly unique to Asia -- although that may not be much consolation to you, since you still need to find a way to overcome the position that your husband is taking.
Rather than approaching him with a well-organised, rationally-justifiable approach it could make sense to take the following steps:
1. Think about the interests of the people who have something to derive from the outcome of your joint decision: yourself, your husband, children, relatives on both sides, etc.
For example, if you have relatives who might become ill or otherwise dependent, whose resources will be used to assist them. If you have nothing left from your earnings, does that mean your husband is prepared to come forward with financial help if needed? If he is not prepared to be helpful under such circumstances, what will that do to his image among his friends and colleagues?
You can think of similar scenarios: childrens' education, major household expenditures (repairs, new furniture, etc.) which may also reflect the interests of the individuals who have a stake in the outcome of your discussion with your husband.
2. Once you have outlined the interests of the various stakeholders, that gives you a list of questions to ask in order to learn which concerns are most likely to catch your husband's attention. When you ask him questions, they should not be designed to be answered with just a 'yes' or 'no'; the questions should invite him to answer with more useful information.
3. Listen carefully to his answers. If he gives an answer you don't like, just sit there silently, revealing nothing with your facial expression. The power of silence is extraordinary. It is far more likely to make a person think than a swift, emotional reaction. In his answers try to find elements you can use in your response that demonstrate you take him seriously. "I have listened to you, now it's your turn to listen to me."
4. As you prepare, you need to think of what bargaining chips are available to you. For example, if you accept household expense responsibility, what will he contribute to assets that will be available to you when you cease employment? Are there tax advantages or penalties to having separate assets for a wife and her husband? In some countries, death duties are almost confiscatory -- so it can pay to place assets in a spouse's name to avoid those taxes.
You need to have a lot of questions to ask to find clues for things that will open doors to a mutually-agreeable solution. You also need to determine how far you are prepared to go in responding to his one-sided approach. When someone says "We'll do it MY way!" that leads to a failed negotiation. Unless both parties are fully in agreement, the results may not be good over the long term. When someone can only see things his way, he could be said to be acting like a bully. Bullies are afraid of failure, so if you say, "I'm afraid we may fail to reach a real agreement." you are threatening failure and that may be an effective wake-up call.
Good luck,
Steve
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