Q & A Table of Contents
When I Keep Score, My Friends Aren't Friendly
From: Etta, Boca Raton, Florida
Question: I want to be nice. however when my group gets together to play cards, I am usually the score-keeper. It really bothers me when the people with whom I play cards,
check my arithmetic. I resent their looking over my shoulder. I have offered to give the score-keeping job to some one else, but invariably I wind up doing it. The amount of money we play for is less than $2.00. How can I keep score and still keep my cool when my score-keeping is examined all the time. These people are my friends. I don't want to make a fuss in any way.
Response: Perhaps saying you want to be nice is really a way of saying "I haven't got the nerve to be honest with my friends."
Next time your group plays cards, when you are asked to be score keeper you should tell your friends you will only keep score if someone else will keep a duplicate record of the
card game. Then you and the other score-keeper can compare your records every fifteen minutes or half hour to see whether there is any variation.
The real issue is that, even though the stakes are low, some people derive pleasure or some other kind of reward from controversy. You face the difficult job of dealing with disagreement without being disagreeable and without escalating possible conflict.
Rather than saying to your friends, "You're being nasty to me," you should let them know that "When I feel people don't trust my mathematical ability, I feel hurt." Don't accuse others of being bad -- just let them know how you feel.
Sometime when you are not playing cards, ask them how they think one should respond when a waitress or waiter in a restaurant treats them disrespectfully. As you listen to their answers, that may give you a hint or two of what will convince them to be more considerate of your feelings.
You can also make a game of the situation: before a card game figure out who's most likely to be the nasty kibitzer. Set a mental goal for yourself of how many times you expect them to cause you aggravation. Then, keep track of how often they actually do act up. If they fail to reach the goal you've set for them, you have won. And if they meet the goal, you've won again. If they exceed that goal, then you have to be angry at yourself for having misjudged their capacity to be annoying -- and set a higher goal for next time.
If you know you should expect to be second-guessed as the card game score-keeper, treat it as part of the game. Think of how miserable the second-guessers would be if you deprived them of a chance to be a pain; if you look at it that way, then you can realize how much you contribute to your friends' daily pleasure in life. So you're actually doing them a favor -- as long as you realize they've picked the nicest person available to pick on because they know that if they choose the wrong target it might backfire on them. You are doing a public service. Pat yourself on the back and enjoy.
Good luck, and may the cards be with you.
Steve
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