Q & A Table of Contents
The Sounds They Make Embarrass Us
From: Jennie, San Diego, California
Question: We have always had a certain tolerance for our upstairs neighbor's (multiple) dog barking, but recently we've been disturbed by sounds of her having sex at various hours. We live in an apartment building and the noise travels.
She has been a decent neighbor for the past 6 years and we've tolerated the dogs because of that, but the noises she and her boyfriend make are too much, and literally wake us up at night, and early in the morning. Is there any way to politely tell her that we can hear everything? It's fairly embarrassing.
Response: If you have a good relationship with your neighbor, being honest in a diplomatic way is likely to be the best approach.
Remember that you are doing her a favor. Unless she is an exhibitionist, I cannot imagine she is likely to take any pleasure in learning that her romantic activities are being broadcast beyond the walls of her apartment. Viewing the situation from that angle means you are no longer complaining about noise interfering with your sleep, but rather offering her an opportunity to protect her privacy.
You should plan ahead before talking with her. Consider your BATNA, your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. In the worst case, can you do anything to your apartment's walls, ceiling, and/or floor to deaden outside noise? Is there anything she and her boyfriend might do that would increase your discomfort? How can you deal with that?
You might also do some research on building codes in your community; it may well be that noise transmission within residential buildings is supposed to be held within certain limits. It could cost you money, but you may want to measure the decibels of the dogs' noise as well as the lovemaking that wakes you up. Some noise abatement codes prescribe noise limits based on the time of day or night. It could actually be the responsibility of your landlord to make sure the building's structure meets code requirements. Should this be the case, you need not tell your landlord embarrassing details -- just talk about sounds carrying through the walls.
If the building code offers no promise, or the other factors don't work out favorably, you may want to consider more draconian measures. Tape-recording the sounds that are a problem and playing them back in the middle of the night might yield interesting results. If you play back the noises as the neighbor and her boyfriend are just getting started, it might startle them and give them a sense of what can be heard through the walls. Unfortunately this is not a very gentle way to deal with the situation -- but if it is really driving you crazy, it may be a step worth taking.
Good luck,
Steve
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