Q & A Table of Contents
I Shouldn't Have Done It, But What Can I Do Now?
From: Tim, Winnepeg, Canada
Question: I was unfaithful to my wife before we got married, and she found out about it.
The other girl means and meant nothing to me, but my wife refuses to believe that, she wants to believe the absolute worst case scenario. I didn't have a relationship with the other girl, but we did sleep together a few times.
Apparently this other girl was upset with the fact that I wouldn't do it anymore, because she found my wife's address, my fiancee at the time, (she knew I was engaged by the way) and mailed her a letter detailing all that happened. She also included pictures, that taken out of context, looked very incriminating.
I love my wife with all my heart, and I really don't know why I did it, I wasn't really attracted to the other girl, she couldn't offer me anything that I couldn't provide for myself, nothing. The only thing was that I was alone. While my wife was back in our home town planning the wedding, I was far away in the army. We did the long distance relationship for 2 years, and than I screwed up right at the end. My wife and I were arguing about the plans, and I really was alone with no one to turn to. I know that it isn't an excuse for infidelity but I really have no other explanation.
Anyway, I love my wife, I've always loved her, but she doesn't think that I always did. And why should she, look what I did. I guess, all this aside, I want to know how I can show her that in spite of what has happened, I want to make a new start and prove my love for her is unending. I don't want to lose her but we fight about this every 3 days or so. I think that she is thinking about divorce because of how much we fight. I just need some advice about how to talk with her about what happened when she brings it up without letting it explode into another brawl. I know that deep inside she loves me too, but she is hurt. I want to soothe that hurt before we end something that could be perfect. I need to hurry before she runs from me to escape the hurt. Please help me save my marriage.
Response: Let's look at this situation strictly from the position of analyzing the negotiation process. Your wife is giving you a very strong message or group of messages; your job is to understand what messages she is sending and to respond appropriately.
Before your next conversation about your infidelity during your engagement, you should think about the interests, the underlying motivations that are important to you, your wife, your families, and others who have a stake in the outcome of the relationship. Try to figure out the priorities of those interests for each stakeholder. Remember that when you make those initial assumptions about what is important to whom, you are running the risk that your assumptions may not be accurate.
The negotiation process offers you a chance to do a reality check on your assumptions. Thus, once you have done the preparation for your next conversation, you will have a list of questions in your mind to ask to find out whether your assumptions are accurate -- and whatever you learn should help you respond in a way that should lead to a wise resolution of the problems.
For example, your question indicates you have assumed your wife may want a divorce. If that is one of your assumptions, you need to think very hard to come up with a series of questions that will help you find out whether you have assumed accurately. And, if you wife actually wants a divorce, does she want it because she doesn't feel you love her, because she feels she can live better under other circumstances, because her ego has been bruised, or some other reason. In other words, is your pre-marital infidelity the root cause of her dismay or has she found that being married to you is not rewarding and she simply wants an excuse for ending the relationship.
No matter what you do, you must listen attentively to your wife. When you ask questions, make sure they can't just be answered with a 'yes' or 'no'. Use questions to search for information; what you learn may give you insights into what 'really' counts in your wife's mind.
Throughout the process you should keep your own interests in mind. Don't ask anything or suggest anything that you will regret later because it goes contrary to your interests.
Please note that I am expressing no opinion on right or wrong, but only suggesting that you have to pursue a better understanding of your wife's interests and your own. When she raises your pre-marital infidelity, rather than defending it or coming up with some sort of cross-accusation, let her know how you feel and ask her what she would do in your circumstances. Ask her what you would do or want her to do if the shoe were on the other foot. If you listen carefully to her words, pay close attention to her gestures, perhaps that will give you hints of a way to resolve the dilemma. Unless the two of you come up with a collaborative process for solving the problem, it won't go away.
Good luck,
Steve
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