Q & A Table of Contents
His Criticisms Hurt Me
From: Amal Cairo, Egypt
Question: I am so in love with my husband. The problem is that he is too meticulous in everything that concerns our house cleaning. If I leave him once home and go for work when I return back I find he has a lot of things to show me how I am careless. I will give you an example: the back of oven is not clean, the refrigerator door is not shining. I forgot to tell you that all the housework is my duty in addition to my work outside the house and this is how it goes in my country. How can I deal with this? Thank you for your kind care.
Response: In negotiation, focusing on the interests of the people involved is crucial. It sounds as if you have a clear idea of your own interests: having a life that involves more than just your job and your housework.
You need to take two steps: The first is to try to understand your husband's interests better. Why is he so focused on criticizing your housework? What benefits does it bring him to criticize you? Does his criticism of you bring him any gains in his relationship with you or your relationship with him? How would he feel if he knew he was making you unhappy? Why would this give him satisfaction -- or would it make him unhappy?
Once you have learned more about what motivates your husband, then you will have a sense of what you can say to him about your own feelings. There are many countries where, unfortunately, husbands and wives do not share equally in household tasks. The open question is, when there is this inequality, what impact does it have on personal relationships. If you tell your husband that when you get home from your job, it hurts you to be described as a poor housekeeper, while he may want a spotless house, he may also not want to hurt your feelings.
Ask him lots of questions -- and as you listen to his answers, look for hints of what you should say that will modify his behavior or his attitude towards you. Negotiation is a process of communicating information to help you and your negotiation partner contribute to your mutual benefit.
Good luck with this very challenging situation.
Steve
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