Q & A Table of Contents
Choosing Between Daddy And Me
From: Lennie, Worcester, South Africa
Question: My fiancée is in another country, she didn't tell me that she left, well she was supposed to go to another town, and now she's in Swaziland!
I need a way of convincing her to come back! It's not like she left me or anything, but she only wants to come back in two weeks, and I'm getting relocated at work, and I need her to come home to go with me.
Her father totally disagrees with me, and even started threatening me, but she listens to him, but not to me. Yesterday morning she told me that she would come home on Saturday, and last night (when her dad was present when I was on the phone) she told me that she had to stay for two weeks. Please help me to negotiate properly, to convince her to come home.
Response: You describe a difficult problem -- but are also creating one that needs to be reconsidered.
Your insistence that your fiancée choose between you and her father creates an ultimatum which carries a lot of risk for you. While two weeks may seem like an eternity, it may well be that she must do something symbolic to obey her father before he will feel it is okay for her to come back to you. Don't ask her to make her father lose face, particularly in front of you. That only adds to her stress and is not likely to make her any fonder of you.
A good relationship reflects a comprehension of the stresses and conflicts that each partner faces in life. If everything your fiancée does is supposed to revolve around you -- or her father -- that gives her no freedom. Should her choice reflect deciding between obedience to you or her father, it means her choice does not necessarily reflect a focus on her own needs and interests.
Don't push it; it will only build resistance and the risk of spoiling the relationship.
Control your emotions, don't let them control you.
Good luck,
Steve
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