Q & A Table of Contents
He’d Rather Spend Us Into Bankruptcy
From: Carlene, Naperville, IL
Question: My husband has made really bad financial decisions in the past, which has put us in a (I would say) moderate level of debt. He has mentioned bankruptcy three times now within three months. I have been totally against this in all three conversations. I have even looked through our bills and with his income (which is all we have right now) made a plan that, by paying up on our late car and utility bills, although it may be a little tight, in TWO months we could go back to a comfortable level of paying off our debts (in other words, we still have bills, but nothing would be late).
At first he said he would work with my plan, but the next day he went spending money the way he wanted to (he equates the small, interest incurring bills with the timely, car and utility payments trying to pay just a little bit to everyone and making our car and utility payments late). He has said my plan isn't possible and would rather go for a personal bankruptcy (because I am NOT filing bankruptcy) and ruin his/our credit.
I even challenged him to go to a financial counselor to see if my plan was possible. He just keeps saying it is his debt and it doesn't affect me and the bankruptcy won’t affect me either. He does not understand my concern of future bad credit which will cause problems when we start looking for a home. I also don't think we even need to think about bankruptcy because we are not that far into debt, we are just late on payments and it’s stressing him out!
He is really bad with looking at the short term effects of things and doesn't think even two months ahead of himself. It’s really making me frustrated because I don't understand why he doesn't listen to me in this situation and why my opinions have no power behind them. Please help, tell me how to handle this or tell me if I should just give up the fight and let him file his bankruptcy disaster.
Response: Unless you are in a position to be treated as a completely separate person from a financial standpoint, it is not ‘his bankruptcy disaster’, it is yours as well. You need to examine your relationship with your husband and figure out whether his failure to take your financial concerns seriously is a stand-alone issue or symptomatic of a deeper problem. By a deeper problem I am referring to a number of possibilities: his incapacity to face reality, a lack of respect for your interests, a lack of comprehension of the long-term consequences of his approach to money, and other possibilities.
What is your BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement) in this situation? In other words, what are the possible consequences of the various courses of action that he may take, that you may take, that the two of you may take together? Are you better off if one set of results occurs or are all the possibilities equally okay — or awful — in your mind.
Moreover, if you have kids, if you or your husband have friends or family who might be impacted in any way by bankruptcy or some other change in your situation, they too are stakeholders whose interests must be considered.
It is impossible to tell from your question how long you’ve been married or any other information relevant to your relationship. But you have the obligation to yourself, to your husband, and to the two of you as a couple to explore the impact of any course of action on how life will be in the long term. Is your husband’s approach to debt parallel to alcoholism or other addictions? Are there resources in your community to which you can turn for support — even if your husband is in denial? If your husband is truly addicted to unwise financial decisions, you must examine your own role as an enabler — or as a spouse who has to deal with someone with a psychological problem. If that is the situation, you are not going to solve the problem by negotiating with your husband. Unless he has a higher interest (e.g. his love of you) that will override his financial peccadilloes, there’s virtually nothing you can do to change his behavior.
Establish your own independent financial life if that is possible. Have a separate bank account, separate credit cards, etc. Gain some degree of control over your own financial identity. That way, your credit will not be determined by that of your husband. If you can get a job — where you control how your income is spent — that offers you independence and the breathing room to make decisions for yourself and not feel as if every decision you make reflects the two of you.
There is nothing stopping you from seeing a financial counselor yourself. The advice they offer may help you make wiser decisions.
Good luck,
Steve
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