Q & A Table of Contents
NEGOTIATING WITH YOUR FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD
From: Marietta, GA
Question: I feel like I am always being manipulated/negotiating with my child (15). What general or specific tips do you have for me?
Response: If I were smarter, I would treat your request for advice as a simple truth: Fifteen-year-olds are not only obligated to, they are also empowered to manipulate their parents.
As the father of two daughters bracketing that age, one is fourteen and the other is seventeen, it is clear to me that daughters are especially powerful as father-controllers. My dogs try some of the same things, but are less powerful because they do not know how to prepare their own meals.
To be serious, you need to take a look at the issues on and off the table with a kid. Children are often excellent negotiators because the process is more important to them than the substance. Because the substance is merely the 'excuse' for the negotiation process, they have less at stake in the outcome than parents who are stuck with a longer-term view of things.
Thus, it makes sense to listen closely to what your kid is saying and what s/he is not saying. Figuring out how those two facets of the negotiation relate to each other will help you gain entry to the process.
Put yourself in their shoes. Think of negotiating with a teenager as similar to the choreography we associate with negotiating in an Arab 'soukh'. When we recognize that the process is at least as important as the substance in these cases, and when we focus on the process at least as seriously as the substance, we have a better chance of coming out with fewer scars.
A teenager negotiates with his/her parents because it is a means of engaging with them in a real give-and-take. We have so little in common with them as regards many interests (music, food, styles, etc.) that the negotiation process is a wonderful opportunity for us to 'deal' with each other and build the relationship.
Good luck and good negotiating, Steve.
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