Q & A Table of Contents
Girls Will Be Women! Negotiation Hot Buttons
From: Awni, Bethlehem
Question: How can semantics; emotions; attitudes and gender bias affect
negotiations?
Response: Dear Awni,
Thank you for your terrific question. Negotiations are profoundly affected
by the factors you raised. Everyone has 'hot buttons' that can lead them
to focus on emotional issues rather than the subject matter of a given
negotiation.
More than twenty-five years ago, a relative of mine was negotiating to buy
some property from a womens' organization, the YWCA, for a commercial real
estate project. My relative and one of his business associates were the
only men in the meeting; the YWCA's representatives were all women. It
appeared the parties had basically reached agreement; then my relative said
something like, "So it looks like you girls are ready to agree." All hell
broke loose. The business associate started kicking my relative under the
table; one of the YWCA people said, "There are no 'girls' here! We are
women!" My relative turned to his business associate and asked, out loud,
"Why are you kicking me?" Then he said to the YWCA representative, "I
don't know why you are so sensitive; if you were men, I could have called
you 'boys' and no one would have taken offense." The business deal fell
apart as a result of my relative having activated the 'hot button' of
another party.
Negotiation is the process by which human beings exchange items of value in
a civilized manner. In response to your question, 'human beings' is the
important phrase. People make assumptions about themselves and about the
people with whom they are to negotiate. Making an assumption is risky;
when we assume, we take the chance of making an 'ass' of 'u' and 'me'. If
we put people in pigeonholes, if we assume that everyone from a particular
ethnic group, sex, company or whatever is going to respond in a predictable
way, we are not treating them as individuals, but rather as objects. In
negotiation we may well walk into the process with assumptions, but we have
to test whether those assumptions are valid in each case. Some women may
indeed be comfortable being called girls (although I haven't met any in the
past few decades). We need to ask questions and listen for answers to find
out whether our assumptions are valid.
It is also critical not to give offense in the negotiation process. I have
trained people from more than thirty-five countries. At every opportunity
I suggest that when one is negotiating with someone new, it is important to
say something like "I don't know you very well, but I do know that as we
negotiate I have no desire to offend you. If I say or do something which
troubles you in any way, please let me know. I would consider it a great
favor." After you say that, you and your negotiation partner are sharing a
mutual obligation to be open about peripheral issues that might otherwise
detract from the central issues of the negotiation. You -- or they -- may
still make mistakes. But hopefully the initial indication of good faith
may mitigate those potential hot button issues.
I hope this has given you answers to your question. Please let me know if
you are looking for a different focus.
Good luck and good negotiating, Steve.
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