Q & A Table of Contents
My Wife Badmouths Me — And My Family
From: Charles, Harare, Zimbabwe
Question: I have been married for three years and have a 2.5 years old son. My wife appears to be in love with me but does not respect what I say and does not seem to share the same vision with me for the family. She doesn't seem to like my relatives and this is shown by the way she receives and treats them when they visit us. She always wants to find fault in whatever they do and bring it to my attention. She wants me to act in a way to please her a thing that I find difficult to do after analysing the situation and found no wrongdoing on my part or that of my family. She has proven to be a difficult person to handle. I have tried to negotiate with her but she still says bad things about me to my own family. What should I do?
Response: Your situation requires careful analysis. You must figure out what drives your decisions about what is right and wrong, about what you want for yourself, your son, your relatives — and your wife’s family as well. One step you can take is to draw what we call an Interest Map®, a chart that shows all the stakeholders and what their interests are — and gives you a sense of what you know for sure and what you need to find out to go forward properly prepared.
Look for the distinction between facts and assumptions — and remember that what one individual believes to be facts can actually be believed assumptions. Check the reality of your assumptions — and try to figure out what questions you need to ask you wife to learn more about what drives her thinking and decision-making.
Asking questions is a way of showing respect — and far more likely to bring you information than relying on assumptions or even what you believe to be scientifically-demonstrable facts. It is crucial, however, to ask only open-ended questions rather than ones that can be answered with a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’. It is no less important to avoid asking questions that sound like those of a police interrogator. Asking a person to admit they are bad pretty much guarantees they will get worse; it certainly offers them no incentive to change their behavior.
Negotiation is about trading: If you will do X, Then I will do Y. Don’t be afraid of making concessions — but each concession must be tied to a reward for you.
Take a look at what choices you can make — and what choices are open to your wife. Try to figure out the source of her unfriendly attitude — whether it is your behavior or habits, the challenges of life as a young parent, economic circumstances, etc. If the biggest problems are really not central to your relationship but rather are external, you and your wife could work to become a team to deal with whatever external issues are problems that you share.
Your problem will take great sensitivity and creativity to resolve, and only a collaboration between you and your wife will yield a resolution that works. A successful negotiation is a process that leads to an agreement each party will willingly fulfill.
Good luck,
Steve
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