Q & A Table of Contents
Getting Through To My Husband
From: Fanny, Odessa, Texas
Question: Sometimes I feel like my husband’s mother. Here’s the situation:
- two weeks before our marriage last year we received full custody of my husband’s two children
- we both work, 8-5's but I do most of the house work.
- He will help but only when I ask, and it's at his leisure. This irks me because the whole time he's cleaning he asks me " where are the sponges", where's this where's that, even though they've been in the same spot for 4 years.
I have learned to deal with this.... What really bothers me is that he'll agree with me on something and then just turnaround and do the complete opposite, maybe just to shut me up?
For example, there is no smoking in our house and he agreed with me. Last night his friend and wife came over and my husband allowed them to smoke in the house. I asked him if they had been smoking and his reply was, "maybe, I think so". I know he knew when they lit up, he just didn't care. I'm allergic to smoke and he is asthmatic.
I feel like he's "rebelling" against me. Those are the vibes I get from him. Also once a week he'll call me and tell me he wants to go home from work, because he's having a "bad day". I'm not his mom, but I have to tell him "no, you have to work, we have bills, and children". This results in him being mad at me and the "rebelling " happens soon after that.
Help. I love him and want to work with him, but I don't know how to get across to him.
Response: Despite what you say in your first sentence, it sounds as if
you have accepted the job of ‘mothering’ your husband. There are a number
of steps you need to take. The first is to examine your interests in this
situation. You can start by looking at your objectives, but then you have
to dig down deeper to figure out why a particular objective is appropriate
for you. For example, you want to bar smoking from your surroundings —
that is your objective. The interests you want to serve by doing away
with smoking in your vicinity including protecting your health, possibly
having a cleaner house, reducing drycleaning costs, and setting a good
example for the children.
Once you have done a reasonably good job of figuring out what your
interests are, then you should do the same thing in terms of your
husband’s interests. What does he want from you — and why does he want
it?
Then you have to figure out whether his objectives and interests are
compatible with yours. If you find compatibility, that means you have a
sense of how you can appeal to his interests and convince him to do things
differently.
It sounds as if you should also do something else before undertaking any
discussions with your husband; you should figure out your BATNA (Best
Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement) -- and his BATNA as well. If you
don’t negotiate with him, or if you begin negotiations and feel you’re not
getting anywhere, or if he agrees to something and then does the opposite,
what can you do? Do you simply accept the situation, do you walk away
from the relationship, do you have other tools you can use to improve the
situation? Take a look at the Advice section on our website and type the
word BATNA into the Search Engine (which is found on the Advice Home
Page). That will help you understand the concept.
Once you have a good understanding of the BATNAs that you and your husband
have, the choices you can make, then you will be better prepared to
negotiate with him.
As things stand, it sounds as if he’s getting everything he wants without
fulfilling his responsibilities — like an uncooperative child. Moreover,
it sounds as if you are enabling this situation to continue. You should
consider your options very seriously; do the rewards really outweigh the
annoyances?
Good luck,
Steve
|
