Q & A Table of Contents
We Argue About The Way My Husband Spends Money
From: Maggie, Saginaw, Michigan
Question: I'm a college student, a stay at home mom, and a nurse to my epileptic husband. Please tell me how to negotiate to achieve fairness in how we share money. We fight consistently about financial issues. Although his business is not doing well, he still buys lunch for the himself, his partner (his brother), and the one employee they still have left. Is this fair?
Response: Arguments about money are very often really arguments about other
issues; money is the symbol for underlying matters. You should take a very
careful look at the interests that underlie your concerns and those of your
husband. Interests are the real reasons that drive decision-making.
Ask yourself whether your concern about how money is handled happens to
reflect on how appreciated you feel as a mom and as your husband’s care-
giver. Similarly, ask yourself whether your husband’s responses and behavior
reflect any ego issues he may have due to his business problems, his health,
or even his relationships with his brother/partner and their employee.
Think hard about what outcomes would give you the most satisfaction — and why
they would please you. Do the same kind of analysis of what your husband’s
preferred outcomes might be — and why those would be more appealing to him
than whatever alternatives might be available.
All of this questioning should help you figure out what issues should be
raised in your discussions — and how the underlying interests can be used to
help you and your husband formulate creative ways to reach agreement.
Your preparatory homework will not only help you develop a strategy; it will
also tell you what assumptions you have made so you can ask questions to do a
reality check on the accuracy of those assumptions.
Your husband’s answers to questions are far more likely to help him convince
himself than your suggestions — or demands — to him are likely to influence
his decisions.
Good luck,
Steve
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