Q & A Table of Contents
What A Fine Mess We’ve Gotten Into
From: Tom, Dallas, Texas
Question: My wife and I are newly married. From before that time my now
mother-in-law has been nothing but cross toward us. She makes gifts to us
of a lot of things like that will guilt us into giving affection to her even
though she treats us so coldly.
I think this started with a confrontation we had one night. It was about my
sister-in-law's then boyfriend, he was kind of slimy and I made it known in
an inappropriate way. I apologized and did the best I could to stomach him.
She however was cold to me from then on. It escalated when the boyfriend
dumped my sister in law and showed his true colors in action. I was happy
it was over but kept it to myself. I started getting this resentment from
my mother in law I think because I was right about him.
My wife and I were pregnant before we got married but it would not have
changed much because my wife and I were planning a sneak away family
wedding. Mother-in-law was planning a big to do wedding. The wedding she
put together was fine, but she guilt-tripped us the whole time saying it so
shameful and talking about our news as "the situation" never excited about
their first grandchild.
Nowadays, the gifts of little meaning, just something to buy, keep coming.
She won't get excited when we ask her to feel a baby kick only says she had
the same thing. When we declining her self inviting to the sonogram where
we found out the baby's sex she was hurt and instead of being happy to know
first after, shunned us. My wife was very hurt that no one called to find
out or congratulate.
That was it for me. I had enough of her childish treatment of us. Since
then nothing has gotten better. We stayed at their home last weekend, we
felt like we were burdens, though we cleaned up after ourselves and cooked
and ran errands for her.
I’m sorry this is so long but she has been emotionally abusing my wife to
the point of eating disorders and anti depressants for years. I don't want
my new baby to have this waiting for him.
Response: The situation you described in the email you sent at the beginning
of June is a very difficult one. You should probably get a very large piece
of paper and fill it with all the stakeholders in the complex situation you
describe: yourself, your wife, your child, your sister-in-law, your
mother-in-law, other friends and relations, and whoever else might be
impacted by the complexities of the relationships.
After you have placed the stakeholders on the paper you should list what you
assume to be their interests — a congenial family relationship, healing
existing damage, ego issues to overcome such as guilt and resentment,
potential financial consequences, and the many other factors that the
various folks involved might find important.
Your next step should be to figure out what possible outcomes could lead to
the satisfaction of those interests or the amelioration of the troubles you
describe. Take special care to discuss the possibilities — and the
interests themselves — with the people with whom your relationship is open
and honest and not fraught with emotional risks. Obviously you and your
wife run major emotional risks in your own relationship, but hopefully you
can deal with each other openly and collaboratively.
Your objective in all this is to figure out how various stakeholders can
reason together on a collaborative basis to resolve or improve your
circumstances.
In all of this, keep your idea on the options available to you. In
negotiation language, that’s called your BATNA, your Best Alternative To a
Negotiated Agreement. To quote the Kenny Rodgers song, ‘The Gambler’, “You
have to know when to hold ‘em, and know when to fold ‘em. Know when to walk
away and know when to run.” What would happen to you, your wife, your son —
and other folks — if you were to cut off your relationship with your
mother-in-law? Consider your alternatives and the short- and long-term
consequences they might yield.
When you and your wife are on the same page about all these issues you
should be far better prepared to take the appropriate steps to improve your
extended family relationship.
Good luck,
Steve
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