Q & A Table of Contents
They Treated Us Like Dirt, But We Want To Do The Right Thing
From: Laura, Arkansas
Question: My problem is with my Mother in Law.
Things have been difficult from the very beginning. Three months after we began dating his mother called my husband crying and told him that he needed to come over to the house. My husband thought that she must need to discuss some health problems and worried all night until he was able to meet with her. We even cancelled an appointment with a realtor to look at a house in order for him to go and talk with her. It ended up that she just wanted to tell him that she felt like she was losing her son-even though he was still living in her house. She cried and became all emotional. That was just the beginning of our problems with the in laws.
After that it seemed that every couple of months his mother would throw a fit about one thing or another and it always seemed to parallel a major stepping stone time in our relationship: -buying a house, holidays, getting engaged, and the wedding planning. Every time that his mother would throw a fit and CREATE a problem from nothing, his parents would expect us to come over and talk about it. My husband would explain to them that there was nothing to talk about because the problem was either her twisting the truth or simply creating something out of nothing. Our feeling was that we shouldn't give her the attention that she wanted for throwing a fit. However, throughout this time I continued to encourage my husband to call his parents, stop by for a visit, and invite them over, which they declined 4 out of the 6 times that we invited them over.
The final straw was when we joined them for a trip to Disney World. We stayed together, but we paid our own way. On the last night, which was my husband's birthday and 2 months before our wedding, my mother in law threw a fit. She called me every name in the book from "that thing" to BIT%$. Her fit this time was because we walked to fast through the theme parks and I was trying to lose her. At no time throughout the week did she say that we were going too fast, that she needed to stop and rest etc. Throughout the entire slinging of mud and evil words, I was very proud of my husband and myself and how we handled ourselves. At no time did we call names, insult or raise our voice in a harsh tone. She was the only one who used foul names and said that she wouldn't have anything to do with me any longer. She even said that my husband was welcome at their home, but I was no longer a part of their lives. At one point in the evening she wrote a short note to my husband and stated that she wished that someone would just shoot both her and her husband. My husband and I were shocked that she would put him in such a terrible spot. Of course my husband said that if I wasn't invited around them than he wasn't either and that she needed some professional help.
My husband ended up emailing them and explained that he wanted to fix things, but that we needed a sincere apology before we could move on. His mother wrote us back a letter with both of their names signed at the bottom. The letter was 100 times worse and more hateful than what she had said in Orlando. She insulted my family, called my 5 year old son a manipulative brat, and again verbally assaulted my character and made up lies about me that my husband knew were not true. She told my husband that he was blinded by my brainwashing and that even his grandmother, grandfather, uncle and his wife all can see how horrible I am. But when we asked each of them, they were shocked that she said those horrible things and apologized again and again.
We ended up getting married 2 1/2 months after her last fit and his parents refused to come to the wedding. She has continued to badmouth me to other people in my husband's family.
The problem now is that I am pregnant. I will have the baby in 3 months. When we found out that we were expecting I urged my husband to call his parents because I didn't feel that it would be right for his parents to find out through the grapevine. They were so excited, but refused to offer any apology for the torment that they put us through. The closest thing that was said was when his father admitted that things were said out of anger. I disagree. I felt that it was an attempt to break us up before the wedding.
I'm not sure what to do because they are acting with my husband like there is no longer a problem, and that things will just blow over. I haven't received an apology yet and even if I do, I honestly am not sure if I will be able to face her. Should I stay firm on expecting a sincere apology even though now she's trying to say that she was never mad at me, but more at my husband for letting it get to the point that it did? How should I handle the birth of our baby and my husband's parents?
Response: The first thing you need to do is do a careful analysis of your interests, those of your husband, and those of your children. Interests are not your specific goals or objectives, but rather the reason those goals or objectives are important to you (or another party). You need to ask why each of the people on 'your team' should want to improve the relationship with your in-laws. Take a look at such factors as ego, reputation, the example to be set for your children, your husband's chance to benefit from a good long-term relationship with his parents. Think also of what might be thought of as negative interests: the risks of your children absorbing the apparently dishonest or dishonorable example set by the in-laws, the toll the stress of the situation brings on yourself and/or your relationship with your husband, and the impact on you and your husband of having to choose between family and self.
In other words, you need to approach the whole situation as rationally as possible. You need to analyze the likely consequences of any approach you might take on your short- and long-term well-being. Think about who all the stakeholders are: in addition to you and your husband and children there may also be aunts/uncles/cousins, members of your family, friends and neighbors, or members of other groups with which you identify. Think about your in-laws' stake in things -- and the people (other than yourselves) who depend on them or take their well-being seriously.
If you prepare very thoughtfully and analytically, you are more likely to choose objectives, strategies, and tactics that make sense under the circumstances. Take the advice of trusted friends, clergy, or others who will not judge you or your in-laws but only comment on the situation. Find allies among the broader family -- asking them for advice, asking them to comment on possible approaches you might take. That makes them far more likely to buy into the resolution you reach and can help build favorable relationships that might promise to be more rewarding.
We have a saying that, 'in negotiation, the past has no future'. That means that the reason to negotiate is not to change history or the interpretation of history. Rather people negotiate to try to change the future. If you decide that finding a way to remedy the situation with your in-laws is important or serves your interests, you may have to bite the bullet and forget about apologies. Apologies are important in negotiation, but it could be better to say something like "We are very excited about our new child and hope s/he has the joy of knowing you as loving grandparents." You have to decide in advance whether you are prepared to make a concession as regards the apology which certainly sounds much-needed. If the grandchildren's future is an issue about which you and your in-laws can agree, make that a building block for beginning to develop a healed relationship. Pain and dishonesty can linger a long time -- forgiving can take place without forgetting.
In your planning think of lines that need to be drawn in terms of what is acceptable and what is inappropriate in terms of the behavior of the grown-ups (you and your in-laws) with each other, with the children, and with friends and family. These lines ought to be discussed so that you reach agreement. If the lines are kept secret then a person who crosses one of them cannot be blamed for his/her mistake.
You have to think and plan and develop a reasonably clear sense of what is acceptable in the immediate situation and over the long term. Be ready for changes, and know when to roll with the punches -- and when not to do so.
Good luck,
Steve
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