Q & A Table of Contents
She Got Some Of Her Share Of The Inheritance In Advance, Then Kept The Whole Thing
From: Joan, Armonk, NY
Question: In 1988 my father died. Before he died, my older sister had asked him for a $27,000 advance on her share of the inheritance for a house down-payment. He agreed, and according to my sister, they each signed a paper stating that when the inheritance was to be awarded to her, those $27,000 would be withheld, since that amount had already been given to her.
After my father's death, when the court date came around in 1990 (it took place in Munich, Germany, where he had lived), this signed paper, which my father's widow would have possessed, could not be found; therefore, the court awarded my sister her entire inheritance, including the previously advanced $27,000. This meant that his widow, along with his other 4 children, did not receive our share of $27,000.
On the court date, his widow had decided to give up her share of the $27,000 (her share having been 50% = $13,000), in order not to have to postpone the court proceedings. His widow said that the siblings could have her share, and divide it amongst themselves. The result of all of this was that my sister decided to keep the extra $27,000 that the court had awarded her. My brother and I tried to talk to her about the fact that although the court had awarded her this money, that from an ethical point of view, it actually was not hers to keep.
She responded to us by calling us moneygrubbers, by claiming that the initial $27,000 had been not an advance but a gift from our father to her, and that she had never asked our father for anything, whereas he had paid for my college tuition (which incidentally was very low) and for a car for our brother.
We have not been in contact with one another since 1990, accept for a few civil phone calls to see how each other is doing. Now my sister's daughter has asked me to attend her wedding this June. I would like to attend to support my niece, and I am undecided as to how to approach my sister, since it will be the first time since 1990 that we will have! seen one another. I am inclined not to mention the issue, since it is my niece's wedding day; however, my sister will probably invite me to stay with her, which I am not sure I feel comfortable doing. She is willing to act as if nothing ever happened, and I am uncomfortable doing same, since I feel that her actions were unjust and hurtful to myself as well as my siblings. I would like to resolve this difficult situation, but I do not know how to begin. Incidentally, she lives in California and I live in New York.
Response: The question you ask really raises two very separate issues. The first is whether you attend your niece's wedding. Unless you are a believer in the philosophy that children should be punished for the sins of their parents, if you want to maintain or improve your relationship with your niece you should attend the wedding and give the bride and groom an appropriate gift that bears no reflection on your troubles with her mother.
The second issue involves dealing with something that still makes your blood boil after more than a decade. You need to give close consideration to your priorities: do you have an interest in re-establishing a civil and perhaps even closer relationship with your sister? Does her ethical failure trouble you more because it appears she has been dishonest, because you need the money, or because she has treated you and the other members of the family without respect? If your share of the $27,000 represents a very significant part of the inheritance and you need the money, perhaps that should govern. Unfortunately, unless documentary proof can be found that the cash was an advance on the inheritance, I doubt you will have much success using lawyers or other professionals.
If your sister invites you to be a guest in her house, there is nothing wrong in telling her you are uncomfortable being under the same roof with someone who you feel treated you and other members of the family unfairly. This will raise the old argument(s) and not resolve the inheritance issue. It may satisfy your sense of justice, but, unless you find a new approach to take, it is not likely to change the facts that have persisted since your father's death.
You could respond to your sister's invitation of hospitality by saying "There remains in my gut a feeling of injustice as regards the way you dealt with your share of the inheritance. Do you think we could find some way to heal our relationship in a way that leaves us both more comfortable?" Just giving her a yes/no choice like "I'll stay at your house if you send me a check for my share," will not necessarily give her a chance to make a more creative choice. For example, she may not want to give you any money, but there may be a piece of art, an old book, or some other item she has from your father that could be a symbolic thing she could give you to increase your share of the inheritance. Perhaps there is an old family bible, a pewter beer mug, or something else your father had which could be given you as a gesture of reconciliation.
Making the whole issue devolve around money puts both of you in hard positions; neither of you can 'give in' without losing face. Letting her know your feelings are hurt and that your top priority is to get on with a more positive relationship can open the door.
Even if your sister doesn't invite you to stay in her home, you can let her know that you are going to the wedding for your niece. Perhaps your sister will offer to pay for a nice hotel room or pay for your airfare. Look for symbols that will respond to your interests.
Your interests may be short- or long-term, but unless you know why a particular resolution will make you feel better, the resolution might not give you the long-term ease of heart you need.
Good luck with this. Sibling disputes over money are never pleasant.
Steve
|
