Q & A Table of Contents
Her Lying Drives Me Crazy
From: Shabana, Mumbai, India
Question: The issue is that I live with my mother-in-law. My husband and I do not have enough money to have a house of our own. we also have a 2 year old baby who needs care while we are at work. my mom-in-law offers help to take care of our baby.
But I always end up having serious arguments with her every few days. The thing is that some things in her personality tick me off greatly. one of her vices is lying deliberately, and at times needlessly. I feel we would have been greatly off if she just dealt with issues honestly. but she is completely given to lying. this hurts me and makes me really angry. I would love to deal directly and straight forwardly. I find it insulting when people lie to me. but she does not seem to give up this trait.
I have never violated her trust in any way for her to behave like this with me. fact is, she never placed any trust in me, from the beginning, and still treats me as an outsider. I have been living with them for 3 years now.
How do I deal with this?
Response: I share your distaste for people who lie. If your circumstances mean that you must continue to share housing with your mother-in-law for a long time, it is you who must make the adjustment; she is not going to change.
It would be wise to think of how you can change your situation: are there other relatives with whom you could live? Can you and your husband develop a five year plan (for example) to get different housing?
Does your husband share your sensitivity to his mother's lies? You shouldn't say to him "Your mother is a no-good liar!" Rather when she lies in your husband's presence you should keep your mouth shut, but question him with your eyes; see whether he notices and how he reacts.
One thing you can do is decide that it is her job in life to lie. Try to count how many times a day she lies; see if she can set a record. Since you know that is her nature, you should figure that unless she lies she is failing to live up (or down) to your expectations of her.
When she lies, say to yourself, "There she goes again!" Make it a game, knowing that you win by being amused, that since you expect her to disappoint you, every time she does so, you win.
I do not envy you in your situation, but I do wish you good luck and lots of patience.
Steve
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