Q & A Table of Contents
I Can't Get Through When He's Yelling
From: Jackie, Boston, MA
Question: How do you negotiate with someone in a work relationship who yells to get his point across and won't let you get a word in edgewise?
Response: Someone who yells instead of engaging in civilized negotiation can drive you crazy. But it is not a hopeless situation.
First: You always have to ask yourself, "Do I really need to deal with this person?" Assuming the answer is "Yes", there are steps you can take:
Listen hard to the substance of what the "yeller" is saying. He may be expressing deep feelings or revealing very significant interests.
Don't respond immediately. One possibility is to sit there with a poker face in absolute silence. In effect this is letting him know that what he said, or more specifically, how he said it is offensive or troublesome to you.
Another response is to talk in a very, very soft voice. Speak very slowly. Make him listen to you, even to the point where he asks you to please speak a little louder. Your response should begin with an indication that you were listening: "If I understood you correctly, you just said. . . " Remember that while you may understand what he said, that doesn't necessarily mean you agree with it. Make that point clearly.
If the yelling produces an emotional reaction in you, you might say, "When someone yells at me I feel hurt/insulted/misunderstood/as if we are not communicating"
When someone yells at you, it is reasonable to say, very gently, that you do not have a hearing problem but that you are interested in what he's said. This is also a time to take a deep breath, give yourself time to think, and find a creative, unexpected way to respond. A surprise often throws a "yeller" off stride, making him consider ideas that may not have occurred to him initially.
Yelling is an offensive form of misbehavior in many cultures and a sign that the "yeller" is insecure of his capacity to influence other people in a rational way. If you respond rationally and intelligently, it may change the dynamics of the interaction.
Good luck with this,
Steve
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