Q & A Table of Contents
It’s A Close Community — Perhaps Too Close
From: Charlene, Chula Vista, CA
Question: I'm not sure how to phrase my question without sounding
arrogant, but here goes. I am a strong Christian leader in our
church, school, and community. My husband and I at age 45 are
self-made multi-millionaires through investments in many
properties. We both came from very humble backgrounds. We have
worked very hard to get ahead in life. We help many people in
need as we feel that God has really blessed us and we need to be
good stewards with HIS money. I do not discuss our financial
status with others, although it is pretty obvious because word
gets out when you are a donor.
My problem is how to deal with about 6 or 7 people who are
lashing out at my children, my husband, and myself. I know it is
out of jealousy, but I need to deal with these people in church,
school, etc... They are gossiping untruths, sarcasm, rude
comments, downright just wanting to X us out of the school,
church, and community.
We live in a small community where word travels fast. We left
the school after 5 years because of this and put our children in
a private Christian school. We are now thinking of leaving our
church after 9 years of active membership. I know people can be
rude wherever you go, but you can only take so much of jealousy,
gossiping, rudeness, etc... Please give me some advice.
Response: People negotiate to bring about changes that favor
their interests — whether in business, community life, or as
consumers. It sounds as if your big interest is to be able to
contribute to your community — by both action and giving —
without suffering from nasty words directed at you or other
members of your family. What could be simpler than that?
However, the folks you find troublesome must have something
driving their actions and words that,
In order to figure out how to cope with the unpleasantness you
face, you need to figure out what interests may underlie the
rudeness of the folks who are troubling you. Jealousy is not an
interest; it is an emotion. The question is, what do these
people hope to gain by the actions they are taking — and how will
being troublesome to you and your family bring them what they
want. If they make you unhappy or uncomfortable, what goodies do
they gain? Are they trying to shore up vulnerable egos? Do they
want recognition from others that they feel is going to you
instead of them? Instead of being justified by faith, are they
pursuing the kind of power bullies use to justify their
existence? Bullies are afraid of looking weak; they are afraid
of failure. Are your nemeses afraid they have failed compared to
you?
As you develop your assumptions about what is driving them, what
you are also doing is creating a list of questions to ask them —
and people who know them — in order to figure out whether there
are ways you can help them achieve their interests in ways that
don’t hurt you.
From what you wrote, it sounds as if you can identify the
specific individuals who are most troublesome. Do you think you
can rank the troublesome folks to figure out which are easier or
tougher for you to engage in conversation? You should
strategize: ‘”Who should I approach first? If Mr. W or Mrs. T
can be mollified/civilized, what impact will that have on other
members of the ‘gang of 6 or 7’?” Figure out what kinds of
information you need from them to give you fuel for developing a
peace settlement. That will tell you what questions you need to
ask. Don’t ask judgmental questions such as “Why are you so
lousy to me/my family?” Rather you should try to find out
whether your initial assumptions about their motivation and/or
interest are accurate. Perhaps you will be surprised — and that
could be either good news or bad news, but it will mean you learn
something you didn’t know before. If you ask open-ended
questions, listening carefully to their answers will help you
develop ideas that may respond to their interests and your own —
and that is a major first step towards reconciliation.
It may be that you simply cannot talk directly with any of them.
Are there individuals to whom both you and they are likely to
respond with respect? In effect this is looking for one or more
persons to act as a mediator so that each side can negotiate
without the stress of going face-to-face. Given the centrality
of your church in your life — and perhaps your rude neighbors —
it could be that a member of the clergy would be the most
effective person to choose as a mediator. Most likely your
pastor has strong interests in a peaceful congregation — and more
crassly — in keeping you and your husband as active members.
So:
Examine your interests — the motivations that drive your decisions.
Make educated assumptions about the interests of the folks you find troublesome
Consider the alternatives available to you (what negotiators call BATNA — the Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement)
Figure out whether you are better off communicating directly with the troublemakers or using an indirect route such as mediation
Ask good questions (either directly or through the mediator) to find out whether your assumptions are accurate
Look for ways to respond to their interests as well as your own in your pursuit of peace.
Good luck,
Steve
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