Q & A Table of Contents
Her Low Self-Esteem Makes Holds Her Back
From: Bruce, Chicago, Illinois
Question: I'd like to better understand how to deal with an individual who perceives themselves as the "victim". This is a person who always believes that someone is always doing something to hold her back - and she can never get ahead.
She always feels that she can't ever catch a break and get ahead - but she doesn't realize that she is causing the issue which is preventing her from moving forward.
This to me appears to deal with her self-esteem. But this gets very frustrating working with someone like this. We're always trying to help her feel better about herself - so she will see herself in a better light - but it doesn't seem to work. She's a long-term employee so she's not going anywhere and would likely have the same issues in any job she holds.
Any suggestions on how to effectively deal with this individual?
Response: Your first obligation is to yourself and your company. Let’s call the troublesome woman ‘Rapunzel’. You need to examine the impact Rapunzel has on office productivity, relations among other employees (with each other), and the extent to which her self-perceived victimhood interferes with a good workplace atmosphere. Does Rapunzel’s personality problem interfere with her own job performance? If the answer to that is ‘yes’, is there a consequent negative impact on other folks’ work?
While this may sound a bit harsh, once you undertake this analysis if you conclude that Rapunzel’s attitude is simply an annoyance, perhaps you can also conclude that trying to change her is not a high priority. Under those circumstances, you and your colleagues might make a game of the situation by including Rapunzel’s personality traits as part of her job description and looking for opportunities to pat yourselves on the back and say (under your breath), “There she goes again.”
Of course Rapunzel’s low self esteem is no joking matter. More than likely she is a very unhappy person. Unfortunately, unless there is an in-house psychiatrist who can work with her, you and your colleagues could be making a serious mistake attempting to treat her problems. Since it sounds as if Rapunzel needs qualified professional help, unless your workplace is equipped to offer that kind of help, you will be expending resources with little likely that the desired result will occur.
If her attitude is doing demonstrable harm to productivity, etc. you ought to examine how Rapunzel can be taken out of loops where her self-image exacerbates problems. At the same time, the humane thing to do is to figure out how her problems can be treated by a professional. Perhaps to save face for her, finding an approach that doesn’t single her out yet leads her to the kind of help she needs would accomplish your objective of helping her get better.
It sounds as if your office has adopted a very caring approach to Rapunzel. It also sounds as if it has not been working. You and your colleagues are not guilty if she does indeed have a personality disorder. When one negotiates it is critical to pay full attention to one’s own interests, because unless you take care of yourself you can’t do a good job of caring for others. Your interest in Rapunzel’s well-being is certainly kind — but if it detracts from your own sanity, that does not serve your interest or that of your company. And taking on the role of psychiatrist might even be having the exact opposite effect from what you intend.
I don’t envy you or your colleagues — or Rapunzel — in this situation. But it is crucial to be realistic about your interests and those of your organization as well as those of Rapunzel.
Good luck,
Steve
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