Q & A Table of Contents
They’re Older, But Does That Make Them Right?
From: Arianur, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Question: How should I deal with older people who always stubborn and feel they are exactly right?
Response: Being stubborn and insisting one is right is not just a characteristic one finds in older people. Folks who insist they’re right, who say ‘my way or the highway’ are said to take a positional approach to negotiation.
When someone adopts a position, insisting their answer is the only one, the basic problem is that if they change their mind they run the risk of losing face. In many societies — or specific business or social situations — age, one’s position in the professional hierarchy, or other factors can give someone an ‘edge’ in terms of deserving deference. That can create an even more difficult situation when it comes to dealing with stubborn negotiators to whom deference is due.
If you need to reach an agreement with someone who takes a position, even if it is complicated by social rules, you need to ask as many questions as you can to accomplish two goals: to demonstrate that you are interested in and respectful of their opinion — and to give you a clearer understanding why they’ve adopted their stubborn position.
Sometimes you are dealing with people who’ve had more experience than you — and learning from that experience can help you find a more effective way of connecting with them and influencing their thinking. Often people are threatened by others who have contrary ideas; it can cause them to lose face, to lose the benefits of social or professional authority, to feel pain in their ego.
Finding out why someone has adopted a position is crucial. If they are protecting their face, you have to find ways to help them change their position without looking as if they are giving in to your pressure. If they think they have the only answer due to their knowledge or experience, if you learn more about their interests, their objectives, you may be able to prove that an alternative to the approach they have adopted will yield better results for them.
In all of this, you need to monitor your own motivations. Are you trying to reach an agreement that maximizes the benefits to the negotiating parties — or are you trying to prove something about your own power. Think about the price each party might have to pay by changing his/her way of dealing with an issue. Figure out who has more to gain by flexibility — both in the short-term and in the long-term.
Good luck,
Steve
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