Q & A Table of Contents
She's The Neighborhood's Self-appointed Cop
From: Brian, St Joseph, Missouri
Question:We bought our house about 6 years ago. When we got the house it needed a little modernization, which we have done. We have 3 boys aged 18, 15, and 13. They are normal boys, and don't do anything destructive at all.
Now to the problem, we have a neighbor 2 houses away that thinks that she is the neighborhood police. She has called the police, the animal control officer, and the fire department on us all the time.
The boys, as well as myself sit out in our back yard, and shoot nuisance birds with our pellet gun.(blue jays, grackles, starlings, etc..) They do not shoot the pellet gun when my wife or myself are not home.
The unofficial neighborhood police called the real police and made up some terrible story that the boys were out aiming the pellet gun at her windows, and that she was picking up all kinds of dead birds in her yard. I know this is not true, because I am a very avid hunter, and thus I am very safety minded when it comes to any kind of gun. My kids have been brought up with a very firm understanding of gun safety, and handling. If they shoot a bird, they go pick it up and put it in our trash can.
The "real" policeman told me that he understood what was going on, and that he wasn't going to do anything, until they got more calls and then they would have to issue me a ticket.
Every summer the animal control officer shows up about once or twice a month saying they they got a call that out dog (yellow lab) has terrible living conditions. I am a union carpenter, and I was taught to always over build and never under build things. The dog kennel is a concrete slab, 6" thick, 6 feet wide, and 12 feet long. I bought a welded dog kennel with a nice gate and it even has a chain link top to it.
This woman called me to ask if she could let my dog loose in her back yard, because the poor dog never gets any exercise. She never sees the times I take my dog duck hunting, or walking around the block at night, or just out to the river for a swim.
When I burn leaves in the fall, or spring, she calls the fire department.
After the police showed up over the pellet gun deal, I went down and confronted her. She is a very rude and mean person. After a little conversation she lightened up a little and we were able to actually talk like adults. I told her that if she had a problem, that she could always come and talk to me, and that there was really no need in calling the police, dog catcher, fire department, or anyone else that she thought that she needed to call. Things have been pretty good for awhile. We have been waving at each other as we are in the yard, or driving by. And she did call to see if I would let her have my dog in her yard.
Christmas eve the door bell rang, and it was the animal control officer. He said that he had gotten a call that my dog was acting sick, and didn't have good cold weather living conditions. I had to go out with the dog catcher to inspect my dog, and its house. He was one that hadn't been out before, and commented on what a great kennel my dog had, and that it was one of the better ones he had seen in a long time.
I am so tired of this neighbor 2 houses away thinking that she needs to run everyone's life in the area. She has a little yappy house dog that she lets out every 3 or 4 hours. This dog barks and barks the whole time it is out. When the kids are at the house next door playing basketball she will let her dog out. They holler at it to shut up, because it barks the whole time. She then comes out and yells at the kids to shut up, and don't yell at her dog. We have lived with her yappy dog, and never said anything. She has a cat that comes to our yard to do its duty in our plants. This cat also gets into our trash. We live with her cat, and never say anything.
I am to the point of retaliation with this woman. I called the animal control office on her yappy dog the other day. I would love to use my pellet gun on her dang cat. I would love to go down there and tell her that if she wants to start a neighborhood war that she has started it with the wrong person. Can you tell me of a good plan of attack on this self-elected neighbor hood official?
Response: When you ask for a 'plan of attack' it sounds as if you are already preparing to go to war. While the situation you describe sounds unbelievably annoying, you need to give careful consideration to the most sensible way(s) to respond.
First you need to ask a bunch of questions:
- Is your family the only one targeted by your unpleasant neighbor?
If other neighbors have similar problems with her, it could make excellent sense to coordinate your responses with them. Some may have found ways to solve the problem and their advice could be helpful.
On the other hand, if your family is the only one with which she does not get along, you need to ask yourself what makes your family different from her other neighbors: children, pets, the pellet gun, or other characteristics that differentiate you from other people in the area. If this is the situation, you need to examine whether there are things about yourselves you could be prepared to offer to change when you are bargaining with the self-appointed policewoman to improve the situation.
- What are your short- and long-term interests?
Are you concerned about your sons feeling victimized?
Does your unfriendly neighbor's harassment create stress that has a negative impact on your health, your relationships with other people, or any other part of your life?
Do you want a hassle-free life in your neighborhood or are you more concerned with punishing your annoying neighbor for the aggravation she brings you?
How will your response to this neighbor affect your reputation within the neighborhood or in other parts of the community (e.g. church, your work, your kids' school(s))?
The strategy you develop should reflect your interests and the interests of people who either depend on you or will be impacted by your behavior. Your strategy should also reflect your comprehension of what's making your neighbor behave so unpleasantly. If she has personal issues that pre-exist your arrival on the scene, understanding them may help you figure out the best way to approach the situation.
Having said all that, you are probably still wondering what steps you can take. Fundamentally you need to consider your BATNA, your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. You can think of BATNA as what the old gambler is describing to the young card player in the song Kenny Rodgers made famous: "You have to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em, etc."
Think about the likely results if you a) ignore the neighbor, b) have a nasty confrontation, c) work out a civilized discussion, d) get other neighbors on your side, e) go to the public authorities and ask for a restraining order on her interference in your life, or take some other approach.
Once you have a good sense of your BATNA, you can make a more pragmatic decision about how to go forward. Just letting off steam is not a good enough reason to go ballistic. You've still got to live with the consequences.
Ultimately if you 'confront' the neighbor, remembering that you've had a peaceful period after an earlier conversation, if you spend more time asking questions and listening closely to the answers you are likely to learn what it's going to take to defuse the situation. If you have thought about the alternatives -- what you can offer, what you can concede, and the same sort of things you might hope for or expect from her -- you are more likely to structure your questions and proposals in a calm and confident -- and convincing -- way. You need to consider who in your family is likely to be the most effective spokesperson.
Above all, don't let your emotions control you. Your job is to control your emotions; use them for the best effect. Remember the rule: only one person can be angry at a time. Otherwise conflict will escalate and resolution will escape you.
Good luck with this,
Steve
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