Q & A Table of Contents
How Long Can She Treat Me Like This?
From: Jan, Eden, North Carolina
Question: Because the company I work for is so small there are only a total of 8 employees. I have been working there for about 20 months.
Recently one of my co-workers has begun taking out frustrations on me. She has a lot going on at home and is by nature, a worrier. She is 30 years older than me and I guess intimidated by the fact that I learned her job in about 8 months. She has been here longer than me, and I respect her, but it's getting harder and harder to let things slide when she makes ugly remarks to me in front of the other employees.
She is the only one like this I get along great with everyone else as does she, but there is something about me she doesn't like. I have spoken with my boss about this; he thinks that she'll chill out after a while, but it's been going on for about 5 months. I love my job and don't want to quit, but I can't take her being this ugly to me all the time. What do I do?
Response: You indicate an understanding that your difficult colleague has problems at home, worries a lot, and is threatened by the speed with which you have acquired skills that may have taken her more time. There may be other factors that you need to consider as well: is the difference in age and seniority peculiar to the two of you or are other co-workers similarly spread out in terms of age and experience?
Can you put yourself in her shoes and consider any nervousness she may feel about keeping her job, differences in taste that cause her to feel uncomfortable. If you like different clothing, music, food, topics of conversation could these be a cause of offense? If you are offending her that doesn't mean you're wrong to have your own tastes, but it may be wise to consider how it makes her feel.
You don't indicate how communication works between you and your nemesis. If she speaks directly to you do you fight back? do you say something like "When I hear someone talk that way about me, it makes me feel hurt/embarassed/unappreciated." Have you considered taking the initiative by going to her for advice (even if you don't really need it): "How would you handle this? Can you give me advice about this customer/supplier/process?"
Conversations about feelings can be very important. Gestures like going for coffee may help assuage her insecurities about you. She may view you as having powers she doesn't have as a younger person, faster learner, or whatever. She may appreciate hearing you say that getting along with her is really important to you because you value her understanding of the company, etc. This all takes imagination and creative thought, diplomacy, and perhaps even some acting skill.
Put yourself in her shoes -- and ask her to do the same. "How would you feel/react if someone said . . .?"
Being honest about your feelings need not be a matter of going into combat. There may be problems you can solve together, but you need to reach some agreement that those problems exist.
Good luck,
Steve
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