Q & A Table of Contents
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
From: Vancouver, British Columbia
Question 1: What do you think makes a co-worker, or person in general, "difficult"
[or seem difficult]? What is really happening in these situations? Is there
a different way of looking at it or not? Is perspective important?
Response 1: A person may seem difficult for multiple reasons: They may present a bottleneck in the decision-making process, they may be so insecure (as individuals or in their job self-definition) that they feel compelled to act 'feisty' because they confuse aggression with assertiveness, or they may genuinely feel disinclined to treat you properly/politely.
My favorite definition of a bureaucrat is: someone who's entire self-definition is based on their power to say 'no'. When you run across someone like that, the bottleneck type, dealing with 'them' may not be the answer. It could make a lot more sense to try to deal with the problem, the issue at hand. If you focus on solving the problem, you may find that the bottleneck really isn't a necessary part of the 'critical path' through which you must pass to reach a positive result. Bottom line: try to figure out whether there is an alternative route.
People who are insecure often feel as if no one understands them. In these instances, paying attention to them, finding out what makes them tick, discovering what motivates them can help you find ways to turn them into a collaborator rather than an obstacle. Listen to them. Take them seriously. Treat them with respect and interest. It can change the dynamic of the relationship.
Question 2: Why do you think it's important to learn the skill of dealing with difficult co-workers? What does it teach you/enable you to do/force you to
practice etc. [i.e. what are the advantages of such a skill?]
Response 2: The basic reason for learning how to deal with difficult co-workers is that it will keep you from going crazy. If you can develop perspective and a strategy for dealing with them, you are also more likely to accomplish your objectives.
In dealing with difficult people, you want to separate the people from the problem. Asking whether the problem would go away if that so-and-so were to go for a hike in the harbour wearing cement overshoes may give you a clearer perspective of what has to be done.
Dealing with difficult people forces you to practice self-discipline. For example, one crucial rule is that 'only one person can get angry at a time.' If you can hold your temper, at least you have earned the reward of being able to congratulate yourself on what a wonderful, strong, in-control person you are. That may not solve the problem, but at least it helps you feel good about yourself.
One other factor to consider in dealing with 'skunks' is that it helps to clarify your objectives. Sometimes 'winning' really means minimizing your 'losses'. Knowing someone is difficult gives you a better sense of what it is reasonable to expect, and doing a successful reality check of your expectations can give you considerable power.
Question 3: What do you consider to be the fundamental steps in the process of communicating with a 'difficult' person? Anything one should do before, during, and after communications? [or instead of sequential steps, any
questions to ask, patterns to follow etc.?]
Response 3: While it is dangerous to think there are certain steps you must follow, it can make sense to think in terms of a few. Prepare yourself, do your homework. Ask questions about 'why' each of you wants what you want. Figure out whether you are really compelled to work with the difficult person or whether you have an alternative.
Another step to take is to listen carefully to the difficult person. You learn more with your mouth closed and your ears open. Think of the initial phase of the negotiation as an opportunity to check the assumptions you had made in your preparation and a chance to learn more about what approaches are likely to get the other party to respond favourably.
The last step I'll mention here is to consider the priorities involved. What are your long-term interests? How important is this particular relationship -- both by itself and as regards other people? Is the process proceeding fairly? Are you dealing with someone who can really deliver on the decisions s/he makes?
Question 4: In my research, discussions of so-called difficult people usually break them down [obviously generally-speaking] into behaviour or personality types. What do you consider to be some of the more common "types" of people that are often cited as being 'difficult'? What makes them difficult types;
what are they really trying to achieve with their behaviours? (of course, if
you don't ascribe to this 'type' theory, then just focus on behaviours
rather than personalities since any combination of behaviours can make up a
personality). In addition, what should be your action plan in
dealing with these types of co-workers?
Response 4: I do have problems with 'types' because everyone interacts differently with different people or different 'types'. Clearly, there are some psychological profiles that describe folks from whom it is best to hide. However even here it is possible that some people thrive on interaction with them.
Difficult personalities need to be examined in terms of what they have to offer from both positive and negative standpoints. Again, separating the person from the substantive issue needing a solution is the most effective way to make some progress.
We are all put off by certain behaviours. If people refuse to respond, if they won't look us in the eye, if they ignore our existence, that can be a bummer. On the other hand, in some cultures, those may be normal behaviours, so we run great risks if we assume that people are knowingly trying to offend us.
Our job is to call attention to things that bother us. We can't point the finger and accuse them of being difficult. Rather, it makes more sense to say something on the order of, "When people don't look me in the eye, it makes me feel uneasy." After all, we may have habits that drive other people nuts and unless they tell us, we may never know.
There is one possible addition: If you are one of many people who find a particular person a problem, perhaps everyone so aggrieved should discuss things together and figure out how to heal the relationship with the difficult person. Treating them with more respect and/or taking their concerns seriously may help turn things around. If that doesn't work, it may make sense to look for ways around them, to marginalise them so they are 'dethroned' from their pivotal place in the process.
Don't forget , you can fight fires without burning bridges, Steve.
| 
