Q & A Table of Contents
Controlling Anger for Effective Negotiating
From: Canton, MA
Question: How can people control their anger so they can be more effective negotiators?
Response: Professor Roger Fisher tells his negotiation students there's a rule at the Fisher dinner table: "Only one person is allowed to be angry at a time." There are often excellent reasons for getting angry or upset: parties may offer outrageous proposals, they may undertake personal attacks, they may feel victimized or otherwise aggrieved. Not letting others know that something is very important to you hurts you by bottling up emotions -- and hurts them because they may not achieve the level of understanding of the issues that can assist in crafting a solution.
There are other rules about anger:
If you don't let it all hang out, you may be withholding useful information. Taking things personally may blind you to the interests, the building blocks that can lead to resolution. If more than one party escalates the emotional level of the discussion, it leads to greater heat, but not greater light.
When you are tempted to get angry, remember to check whether or not it is your turn. If it is someone else's turn to get angry, sit there and take it -- and reward yourself by reminding yourself how wonderful you are to be in such control of your emotions. When folks vent their emotions, ultimately, they reach an ending point. Their heart rate slows, their breathing becomes calmer, and they are far more likely to be amenable to 'civilized' approaches to problem-solving.
Remember to ask yourself whether the problem would disappear if a particular person were to disappear. More often than not, the person is not the problem, the problem is the problem. That perspective can also help keep things from escalating.
We don't want to try to resolve issues by acting out the negotiation equivalent of road rage; innocent people can get caught in the crossfire.
Good luck and good negotiating, Steve.
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