Q & A Table of Contents
Am I an 'unreasonable person'?
From: Mary, Maryland, USA
Question: I am in a real bind and need your immediate advice! While negotiating the use of shared PC's with a peer from another department, the other person erupted in anger, saying that I am the most unreasonable person in the company to deal with and threatened to walk out of the negotiations. I really want to ensure a win/win "Principled Negotiation" but I need your help! What should my response be to this situation?
Response: Dear Mary,
It can be quite shocking to be called unreasonable without warning; it certainly makes it more difficult for you to negotiate in a calm manner.
The first thing you should do is ask questions. Clearly it is important to examine your relationship with your angry 'peer' to see whether there is anything in your history that might be relevant to the apparent problem. It might also make sense to ask questions of other people: how do they view you? what have they experienced in dealing with your 'peer'? does your peer have any issues that relate to a) sharing facilities? b) your department? c) any external characteristics that you and your peer do not share [gender, ethnicity, sales vs. purchasing, seniority in the company, etc.]?
Most importantly, you should very gently and diplomatically try to find out your peer's interests and concerns. Open-ended questions on the order of 'how do you mean that?' 'why is that important?' 'is there a better way to accomplish the objective?' may give the peer a chance to inform you of things about which you may have been ignorant. You need to find out whether you or a particular issue are the problem.
You should also ask yourself what kind of long-term relationship is involved or is desired. How do you and your peer fit into that scheme of things within the company and with one another?
What interests do you have in the situation? Is this particular peer a necessary element of the project or this aspect of company operations in relationship to you? Is there any hierarchical issue? Are the two of you the appropriate decision-makers or should another party be involved -- to make decisions or facilitate the decision-making?
There is nothing wrong with expressing feelings; 'when I hear myself called unreasonable, it makes me feel insecure (or whatever).' Don't trade accusations: 'when you call me names that just shows how unreasonable you are. . .'
Information is the fundamental asset of negotiation. Why did this occur? You learn the most with your ears open and your mouth closed.
Let me know what happens.
And good luck, Steve
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